I dreamt about you last night. You were different, obscure, but it was you. I just wanted to be close to you. You seemed so … ugly. What were the words I was once told? Focus on the worst to get over it. My stomach is aching. My eyes swell with tears. I fight them, I win. That is a new victory. And, I guess that is how the battle is won – one small victory at a time.Dare I go back, face reality? Dare I run away? Is it possible to take such a major piece of my current life with me and still forget? Forget the way we met? Forget the time we shared together? The irony is, of course, I would not know you except for him. I cannot leave him. I love him. I am committed to him.Two strangers meet through a chance encounter, they are no longer strangers. They never touch, rarely speak, and yet they are drawn together. What connects one person to another? What makes me feel that undeniably real feeling? How is it possible to know a person an instant, and be there, but know another person for decades and never break through that wall?Why do I torture myself like this, running scenarios in my head that will never come to be. Even if I was presented with the opportunity, would I? How far would I allow myself to travel down that road? How far could I travel down that road? Does that road even exist? No, it can’t. It must not. I will not acknowledge it even if it does. I have chosen to walk down another road, and I will not detour or discover another path. This is the road I will take until I reach the end of it.Two roads cross at a busy intersection. What’s to stop a person from changing course, trying something new? Only the knowledge that once you go down that road, you can’t go back. You can try, but you can never really get there. One path leads to another, taking you ever farther from where you started and where you intended to go.I am lost. I am lost in a sea of nothingness, floating with no rescue in sight. I am lost deep in a dark forest. No glimpse of the sun, no way of knowing which way I cam from and which way I am supposed to be going. I am lost in a desert. The sun’s scorching rays beat me down to my knees. I am too parched to cry for help. What would happen if lay down, could I escape the heat?
How long have I been traveling down this road, seeing nothing by visions you and me? We dance, as you pull me close. We move the rhythm that fills the air. Your hands hold me with the security I need. The way you touch my hips makes me feel like a woman. You stretch your arms out to play your hand in the small of my back to pull me even closer. Our legs seem tangled, our hips move as one. Your hands climb my back until they reach my neck, beginning to run your fingers into my hair. You lean in at the same moment you pull my head toward yours. But you do not kiss me. We hesitate just an inch apart. Reality sets in. We will not dance. We will not embrace. We will not kiss.But what if? What if it somehow happened? What if we somehow found ourselves in each other’s arms? Would it be all I’ve imagined? Would your body satisfy mine? Would you leave me longing, aching for more? Would you give me more? Anger. Frustration. Sorrow. Why can’t I make these thoughts disappear, evaporate into thin air. Forget them, even though I know I cannot forget you.
Who are you to me? I know little about you, surface details only that paint a fuzzy picture. I don’t know your heart or soul, what inspires you and moves you. You are no one to me, and yet these days you are so much. You are strong, warm. I can trust my dreams of you – they never let me down, never fight, never make me cry. I’ve never been able to say that about any other man. I suppose I can’t even really say that about you.You don’t comfort me either. You don’t make me laugh. You don’t call me because you miss me. You are elusive. A dream. A cloud I will never catch, and yet you rain on me.Every car that passes is one more that is not you. And still, every car is enough for me to turn my head toward, nearly straining with the hope that I will run into you. Will tonight be the night? Will we exchange witty banter? A smile? I’d settle for a look if it lingered long enough.
I am very aware of myself. I feel, almost, awkward. Am I in school again? Is this the first time I’ve felt this way? No, I know what to do. I know what to say, how to smile, when to look you in the eye. I know the words that will make you listen, the clothes to wear to make you wonder. I wonder too.
To touch your hand, to kiss your face,
To linger in your warm embrace,
To touch your heart, and bless your soul,
All these things I’ll never know.
