Confession #7

Who I am...
Let's get a few things out in the open, right from the start. First of all, the things you read here may not be completely accurate. The reason I omit facts and enrich others is not for your sake, but for ours - those of us who have been through these trenches and seen the other side. Secondly, the characters you are about to meet are sometimes blended for easy reading, and always loosely based on the people who have gone in and out of my life, leaving memories that I will never forget - or so I hope, and just in case I'm wrong, why I'm chronicling these incidinces here. Finally, I never claimed to be someone you will like. I'm just like the rest of you, a girl trying to make it in the world, always trying to make the next right decision. And, unfortunately, sometimes that has disastrous consequences.

#1
The day began as most others did for me - rushed, stressed, and tired. The morning commute had taken longer than usual. The local coffee shop had less than the usual perky service I expected, service I attributed to sniffing coffee fumes forty hours each week and listening to Freebird and the like on Muzak. That kind of treatment would mess with anyone's head. Be that as it may, I got my regular drink and headed on toward the office, where I knew beige walls, lined with pictures of beaches I had never visited, and a grey desk would meet me. These pictures were the only windows in the little world that had long ago come to be my place of business. My only joy came from the random calls to work in the downtown office. The downtown office could not have been more different than the cubicle-turned-office that I worked out of most days. Downtown I had floor to ceiling windows that over looked a courtyard with a large grassy area and a fountain in the middle that had been designed by an esteemed designer. I could easily see the hustle and bustle of the employees of the neighboring office buildings, and usually did not want to leave when my day had ended. It was always the highlight of work week.

The other perk of the downtown office were the long lunches. Because my day was more like a split shift - a few hours of intense work in the early hours of the day, and a few more hours at the end of the day - it allowed me to take a leisurely lunch every time I went. Sometimes I'd browse through the local shops, spending more than an hour comparing the different flowers at the local wholesaler. Sometimes I'd bring a good book and sit at the corner bistro, escaping into the work of Jane Austen or George Elliot. And sometimes I'd simply sit in that beautiful courtyard, with my shoes off and eat a sack lunch as I felt the grass between my toes and enjoyed watching the passers by. This was just one of those days.

It was early spring, and especially warm - the kind of day you wait for all winter. The first day you realize that you can leave your jacket at home, at you may not even need your sweater. It was perfect. White cotton candy clouds dotted the bright blue sky.

Confession #6

I am FAT. There is no denying it. Here is my stupid little of things that I somehow think will help me lose weight (in no particular order):
1. Eat salad everyday. "The salad is the main dish."
2. Take the stairs.
3. Stop sweets all together. I have a very unhealthy relationship with junkfood and can not stop once I start. I think it has to be all or nothing.
4. Drink water first.
5. Exercise ___ times per week. I want to say 5, but I'd be proud of 3, and right now I'd be happy starting with 1. Mommy and Me Swim does not count.
6. Save eating out for special occaisions/Never "have to" eat out. I guess this would involve grocery shopping and preparing food.
7. ...?

Confession #5

She headed down the dark, desolate highway with no destination in mind. How far would she need to travel to escape the memory of the life she was leaving behind? She hoped the next town would quiet the voices of yesterday, but as she went along she learned that even 30 miles could not remove 30 years of memories. So, she continued, always quieting the voice of reason that called her back home. You have a house. You have a job. You have responsibilities. For now, she needed to drive. The cool night air was crisp as it flowed in her window. The sweater she wore did not warm her, and she liked it. She did not even dare turn on the radio. She need to silence the voices.

Now one state away, she felt she would never reach her location. She no longer wished for peace, or contentment. She dared not dream of hope - every hope she ever had burst into reality and left her confused, angry, and alone. Regret filled the sky, and she knew somehow, somewhere there would be a place for her. The hours passed as she mulled over anything and everything that passed through her mind. The wrong decisions she had made. The loss she had experienced. The friends that had gone their own ways.

She slowed to a stop as she saw the road ahead. She had come to the iconic fork in the road and knew she had to choose. To this point, it had been easy for her. She had driven so far without even making a decision, but now there was no avoiding it. She sat there for what could have been days. Each path seemed to offer the same thing, and yet she knew that one would take her where she wanted and the other would not. There was no way to rationalize this. She just had to pick one way and go.

She knew she should go the right way, so she put on her blinker and went left.

Confession #4

I confessed my love to you tonight and you said nothing to me.
The words, I let them out of my mouth, and now the are free.
The flew into the evening sky, the darkened void of space.
Oh, I wish, I only wish I had said them to your face.

Confession #3

When I walk and feel the wind

I can not help but think of him.

The breeze, it should not move me so,

and yet so strong the feelings flow.

A firey devil, he burns my dreams

and nothing do I for him it seems.

The heat, the passion - is it real?

Or is it nothing that I feel?

Fatigued, distracted, and still alone,

Here's to the seeds I haven't sewn.

Confession #2

Last night we touched. It was nothing more than a reaction in conversation, but I realized the second that it happened that it should not have. I felt alive being able to talk to you, one adult to another. And even though he was near by, I felt we shared a moment. I would like to go there again. The nothingness we talk about haunts me. Today, you probably don't even remember. I was a dream, a fleeting memory to you. You will wonder if it was real, or was it a dream?

I am scared. I do not know how to overcome this. You may haunt me for the rest of my life. What reasonable person sits in the dark at midnight lamenting something that was nothing. Lamenting, and yet hoping, even scheming for it to happen again. Why? What do I expect to happen? Only trouble! Trouble that I have seen too many times, and that I know is disaster.

Confession #1

Do I dare put the words I’m thinking in print, make them real? I can deny them as long as I can’t see them, when they’re only floating in my head like butterflies on a warm summer afternoon. The breeze picks up, carries them away, and yet they return. They can do no good. The flutter of their wings matches the beat of my heart. It pulses heavy, unexpectedly, unwillingly, but what can I do? What can I do beside carry on in the fashion I have for these last days? Oh, countless days. Or is it months, even years that I have wrestled back what I have only once ever been able to utter. The words, the sting… like salt… like lemon… like a knife… like something I have never faced before. Or, have I? It was not the same that one night nearly fifteen years ago when the outcome was so different. I demand it be different. I regretted that choice for a long time, and now, seeing the eventual benefit – as all things seem to somehow work – I would not willfully travel down that path again. Is it a lie to say I don’t feel what I do, or is it optimism? Is it wrong to lie to do what is right? I have no choice in the matter. Now that is a lie. I choose to do what is right.

I dreamt about you last night. You were different, obscure, but it was you. I just wanted to be close to you. You seemed so … ugly. What were the words I was once told? Focus on the worst to get over it. My stomach is aching. My eyes swell with tears. I fight them, I win. That is a new victory. And, I guess that is how the battle is won – one small victory at a time.Dare I go back, face reality? Dare I run away? Is it possible to take such a major piece of my current life with me and still forget? Forget the way we met? Forget the time we shared together? The irony is, of course, I would not know you except for him. I cannot leave him. I love him. I am committed to him.Two strangers meet through a chance encounter, they are no longer strangers. They never touch, rarely speak, and yet they are drawn together. What connects one person to another? What makes me feel that undeniably real feeling? How is it possible to know a person an instant, and be there, but know another person for decades and never break through that wall?Why do I torture myself like this, running scenarios in my head that will never come to be. Even if I was presented with the opportunity, would I? How far would I allow myself to travel down that road? How far could I travel down that road? Does that road even exist? No, it can’t. It must not. I will not acknowledge it even if it does. I have chosen to walk down another road, and I will not detour or discover another path. This is the road I will take until I reach the end of it.Two roads cross at a busy intersection. What’s to stop a person from changing course, trying something new? Only the knowledge that once you go down that road, you can’t go back. You can try, but you can never really get there. One path leads to another, taking you ever farther from where you started and where you intended to go.I am lost. I am lost in a sea of nothingness, floating with no rescue in sight. I am lost deep in a dark forest. No glimpse of the sun, no way of knowing which way I cam from and which way I am supposed to be going. I am lost in a desert. The sun’s scorching rays beat me down to my knees. I am too parched to cry for help. What would happen if lay down, could I escape the heat?

How long have I been traveling down this road, seeing nothing by visions you and me? We dance, as you pull me close. We move the rhythm that fills the air. Your hands hold me with the security I need. The way you touch my hips makes me feel like a woman. You stretch your arms out to play your hand in the small of my back to pull me even closer. Our legs seem tangled, our hips move as one. Your hands climb my back until they reach my neck, beginning to run your fingers into my hair. You lean in at the same moment you pull my head toward yours. But you do not kiss me. We hesitate just an inch apart. Reality sets in. We will not dance. We will not embrace. We will not kiss.But what if? What if it somehow happened? What if we somehow found ourselves in each other’s arms? Would it be all I’ve imagined? Would your body satisfy mine? Would you leave me longing, aching for more? Would you give me more? Anger. Frustration. Sorrow. Why can’t I make these thoughts disappear, evaporate into thin air. Forget them, even though I know I cannot forget you.

Who are you to me? I know little about you, surface details only that paint a fuzzy picture. I don’t know your heart or soul, what inspires you and moves you. You are no one to me, and yet these days you are so much. You are strong, warm. I can trust my dreams of you – they never let me down, never fight, never make me cry. I’ve never been able to say that about any other man. I suppose I can’t even really say that about you.You don’t comfort me either. You don’t make me laugh. You don’t call me because you miss me. You are elusive. A dream. A cloud I will never catch, and yet you rain on me.Every car that passes is one more that is not you. And still, every car is enough for me to turn my head toward, nearly straining with the hope that I will run into you. Will tonight be the night? Will we exchange witty banter? A smile? I’d settle for a look if it lingered long enough.

I am very aware of myself. I feel, almost, awkward. Am I in school again? Is this the first time I’ve felt this way? No, I know what to do. I know what to say, how to smile, when to look you in the eye. I know the words that will make you listen, the clothes to wear to make you wonder. I wonder too.

To touch your hand, to kiss your face,
To linger in your warm embrace,
To touch your heart, and bless your soul,
All these things I’ll never know.